You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
