im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
