I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
