1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize