I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize