Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
