So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
