Midget sex pt 2 tonight
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
