What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
