There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
