I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
