so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Randomize
