i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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