Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
