if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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