She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
