I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
