my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
