i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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