yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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