Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
