I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
