So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
