where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
