I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
