If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
