i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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