Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
