Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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