i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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