My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
