hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
