Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
