i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize
