Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
