I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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