Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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