Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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