Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
