She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm just crazy horny about you
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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