seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
