You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
