Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
