me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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