what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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