Cold hands, warm shart.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
