I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
