I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
