fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
