I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
