what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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