Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
