He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
