I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
