My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
