just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
