I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize