i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
