I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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